Ho Ho Who the Hell Cares?

The controversy about whether or not to wish someone a Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays is so overblown. I'm fed up with broadcast pundits and religious leaders and their indignant airs about the so-called controversy. When did holiday greetings become fightin' words, partner? Do these people have nothing better to do? "Jesus," as my teenager would say.

But then, I got caught up in the controversy, too. (sheepish smile)

I'm watching that daytime estrogen-filled talk show, The View. I love the way these women talk over each other so it's often hard to make out what each is saying. The View is the perfect white noise for working at home.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she celebrates Christmas so her cards wish everyone a Merry Christmas, regardless of what they celebrate. Sending another person good wishes has nothing to do with the recipient, apparently. It's all about her. Anyone who is offended should let her know so she can take them off her list for next year. Besides, she's too busy to do anything special. Go ahead and send out your Christmas cards, Lazy...er...Lizzy, because that's not the offensive part. Your self-centered attitude during the holidays is, (channeling James Bond in Thunderball) you stupid twit.

Star Jones says her friends are happy to get a card from her at all, because she's so busy...and self-important, I guess. Awwwww. Viewers? Send your donations to the "My Give A Damn's Busted" Holiday Fund c/o ABC. Star's cards read Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I've heard, due to the war in Iraq, there's a national shortage of available space on card stock. And Americans should always make it clear that Christmas is the only holiday that warrants mentioning by its proper name anyway.

Joy Behar says she sends out both Christmas and Hanukkah cards, because it doesn't take that much extra time. Hear, hear! Presumably, she only has two flavors of friends. (She's a white, heterosexual, middle-aged woman, so maybe so.) One year, Joy sent out holiday cards with both a Santa and a Rabbi. Hmmm. Come to think of it, we did that, too. (Yup, I'm a white, heterosexual, middle-aged woman, so go figure.) I can't speak for Joy, but my recipients were either offended or condescending. No one laughed with us. God forbid anyone should appreciate humor during the holidays.

Meredith Vieira ends the discussion by wishing a Happy Kwanzaa to folks who "follow that," as if to dismiss the whole horrible idea as soon as possible. Gee, Meredith, could you add a little more sarcasm next time?

Look, I am happy to make a special effort during the holidays to send out Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Ramadan or Diwali cards, if it's appropriate and I know the person/family well enough. Not everyone gets a gift from me, so it's the least I can do.

I don't expect people to follow my lead on card shopping or cardmaking obsessions. Few people's wallets can handle the extra money drain. Even fewer people have the time or talent to make cards. So here's my solution for you. If all-inclusive off-the-shelf cards seem too wishy-washy, take the time to pen a handwritten note. I've received "wrong holiday" cards with a personal note inside, and that has real meaning...canned Hallmark sentiments be damned. If someone doesn't know me that well and I get a greeting that isn't a fit, without a personalized note, I smile anyway. They thought about me, and for that, I'm happy.

But if your head-in-the-sand excuse during the holidays includes labor or time considerations, you're not off the hook. We're all busy. You're nothing special, Bubba. Neither are those who claim it's too much brain trauma to figure out who celebrates what among one's friends and family. Whatever. Make your choice, but don't you dare complain when others make theirs.

Bottom Line: The holidays aren't about you. The holidays are about spreading cheer to others and being sincerely grateful for receiving them, in whatever form. As for those who whine about acknowledging the diversity of the human race on this planet and in this country, too bad for you! You either care about goodwill or you don't. It's just that simple.

Roads Skolar Neads Inglish Lessin

Just who gets Rhodes Scholarships these days? Apparently, selfish backstabbers with bad grammar, if you take the finale of Donald Trump's Apprentice to heart. Randal Pinkett -- last night's winner in the top ranked reality TV show -- made a laughable, but successful argument when asked if Trump should also hire runner-up Rebecca Jarvis.

"This is the Apprentice, not the 'Apprenti'," insisted Randal, forever cementing his place in the Verbal Gaffes Hall of Shame, right next to The Potatoe Award for Dan Quayle. So let's make it fair and assume the plural of cactus is cactuses.

And as far as Trump's role in the kiss-off? After bragging that he takes hiring very seriously and emphasizing how it's not a game to him, he let someone else dictate a hiring decision on a last minute whim. Mr. Trump? If you really care about hiring the best, you'll find a prominent place for Rebecca in your organization and you won't sweep it under the rug.

Richard Pryor Passes On

Comedian Richard Pryor is gone. Not much to say other than we'll miss him.